I took a big step last night.....

It's been a few days since I have done any blogging. Please accept my apologies. I have been doing a lot of mental work on myself.

I have for sure felt the need to prepare for something life changing, I can't tell you exactly what I have been preparing for, but I have to trust the instinct because my subconscious does know.

So, i'm not sure if I have mentioned that my husband has a wifi camera and he has it fixed on the TV stand directed right on me ,in our bedroom, pointed to my spot in the bed. Every time there is any movement in front of the camera it sends my husband an alert on his cell phone. In our home I am not allowed to question anything, and when I did ask why its just on me, I must be paranoid because i must have something to hide, and if that doesn't confuse you then let me add this, he unplugs it when hes home because he doesn't want someone hacking into our wifi camera and watch him in his bedroom. Baffled yet?

At first I accepted it, almost embraced it thinking it would make things better with proof I am doing nothing wrong. That is where I made my mistake every single day of our marriage, EVER THINKING ANYTHING WILL EVER CHANGE OR FIX US!!

OMG he's a master manipulator, and I fell for it every day for 8 1/2 years. How can I possibly be that naive, and doopable (if that is a word). I'v managed to make it to 37 years old and truly believed I was great with keeping bad people out of my life. So what the hell happened?

That camera ate at me after a few months because of course I have to clean our home, shower,

walk the dog, and mother my 10 year old. I don't have to tell you how that worked out. If I wasn't in bed in front of the camera then I had to be doing something dishonest. the last couple days all I could manage to do was lay there and cry.

We use security cameras to protect our possessions, I became his possession, no two ways around it. Last night the anger and hurt was overwhelming, he came home with his accusations and I decided right then that it was time. This was what I'd been preparing for inside my heart and my head. It was really hard to keep my emotions in control because it felt like I was experiencing every bad feeling I've had since the beginning of our relationship, It felt so good to scream out loud how I finally figured him out! All of it, i told him of all of the games he plays and why he plays them and I am not the same woman he married, and I am saving my own life. I told him if I stayed I would never own a single thing in my life, I'll never own my own home, or achieve any kind of self success as long as i was there afraid to leave the camera. He already knew that though, i could see it in his eyes he knew i was telling the truth.

That man has never said he was sorry for anything he's caused, he may have seen the determination in saving myself because he told me he was sorry for all the hurt he's caused me. I've waited for that apology for so long and it did nothing for me.

I guess this is the hard part, starting over. Right now my daughter is waking up at her papa's and I'm at my mom and step-dad's not knowing where we are going to live. People tell you to leave an abusive situation until you leave and have nothing and no where to go.

I would love to hear any support or advice at this time.

Jenn.